WHY FORGIVE?

By: Tuesday Soriano

Words Told to Eileen on her 18th Year

(With excerpts from Philip Yancey's "What's So Amazing about Grace")

Forgiveness is achingly difficult. Long after you’ve forgiven, the wound lives on in memory. Forgiveness does not come naturally.

“Despite a hundred sermons on forgiveness, we do not forgive easily, nor find ourselves easily forgiven.” – Elizabeth O’Connor.

Helmut Thielicke, a German who lived through the horrors of Nazism said this:

This business of forgiving is by no means a simple thing… We say, “Very well, if the other fellow is sorry and begs my pardon, I will forgive him, then I’ll give in.” We make of forgiveness a law of reciprocity. And this never works. For then both of us say to ourselves, “The other fellow has to make the first move.” And then I watch like a hawk to see whether the other person will flash a signal to me with his eyes or whether I can detect some small hint between the lines of his letter which shows that he is sorry. I am always on the point of forgiving… but I never forgive. I am far too just.”

The only remedy, he concluded, was his realization that God had forgiven his sins and given him another chance.

So then, why forgive?

a) Because I am commanded to, as the child of a Father who forgives.

b) Because that is what God is like. When Jesus commanded us to, “Love your enemies,” he added this rationale, “…that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.” So if God forgave our sins, how can we not do the same to those who have wronged us?

c) Romans 12 goes on and on… hate evil, be joyful, live in harmony… do not take revenge but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.

Forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. It is never easy. Nagging injustices remain, and the wounds still cause pain. I have to approach God again and again, yielding to him what I thought I had committed to him long ago. Because forgiveness just does not come naturally.

d) Forgiveness alone can halt the cycle of blame and pain. Breaking that cycle means taking the initiative instead of waiting for the other person to make the first move.

e) Because not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.

Why forgive?

f) When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his hurtful act. At one moment you identify him permanently as the person who did you wrong. You think of him now not as the person who hurt you, but a person who needs you. Once you branded him as a person powerful in evil, but now you see him as a person weak in his needs.

g) Forgiveness offers a way out. It does not settle all questions of blame and fairness—but it does allow a relationship to start over, to begin anew. If we do not forgive, we remain bound to the people we cannot forgive, held in their vise grip. Until I find it within myself to forgive, the wrong done keeps me an emotional prisoner. Even when one is wholly innocent and the other wholly to blame, for the innocent party will bear the wound until he or she can find a way to release it—and forgiveness is the only way.

Henri Nouwen defines forgiveness as “love practiced among people who love poorly.” He describes the process at work:

“God’s forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive.”

I am a recipient of God’s unconditional forgiveness.

Sixteen years ago, I experienced what was to be one of the most painful days of my life. I was about to be married and found out that I was pregnant. On the 8th month of pregnancy, the man I loved, called to say very simply that he was confused, that he wanted out of the relationship, that it wasn’t me, it wasn’t another woman, it was him. To put it simply, he was abandoning me and my baby.

For a split second, I wanted to slice my bulging belly off. I thought, how can man, created by God, cause indescribable pain and heartache. The pain of childbirth seared through every fiber of my being, magnified by the hurt and emotional upheaval in my heart. The joy of childbirth seemed foreign, almost in a compartment of its own, distant from the pain that choked every breath and strength out of me.

God used that experience to bring me to my knees, draw me to him, and accept his offered gift of grace. Through the years, I learned the power of forgiveness. I struggled to move on but I couldn’t find it within me to forgive.

As you go through life, you will have your own share of hurts and pain. You’ll probably cook up a hundred reasons against forgiveness: 'He needs to learn a lesson. I don’t want to encourage irresponsible behavior. I’ll let her get mad for a while; it will do her good. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. I was the wronged party—it’s not up to me to make the first move. How can I forgive if he’s not even sorry?' etc., etc.

Remember to yield to God and choose the path of forgiveness for in it is your release and your freedom.

Happy 18th, Ei!